Friday, April 1, 2011

Dirty Babies

Disclaimer: This is not an April Fool's post in any way. Just me being a judgemental a-hole...you know, the usual. Just thought I'd warn you.

Let it be known that I skeeve at the sight of dirty children. You know the type. Sitting in the grocery cart in front of you in the checkout line, staring at you like you have three heads, with unidentified food dried in their hair. Their red, runny noses looking like they'd never learned to ask for a tissue. Probably missing a shoe. That kind of kid. Before having a kiddo, I almost always judged their parents for letting them out of the house looking so unkempt. Like how hard is it to clean up your kid? Well then I went and had a baby. And I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you that like so many other things, motherhood has changed my judgemental stance. Nope, it hasn't. I only realize that it's a lot tougher than I thought to keep a child's face spic n' span.  Spit up, pureed carrots, poor little stuffed, dry noses...all of them cause a dirty baby. But this mom ain't lettin it slide. Besides the blue bulb of torture, I also keep a supply of wipes and the Nosefrida in my arsenal for snot removal. And I cannot confirm or deny ownership of a Japanese plastic tweezer meant for boog spelunking. I might actually be obsessed with keeping the baby clean and boog free. He looks for his pops anytime he sees me coming with the saline drops and suction tool. No dirty babies!, I say.

So I might have overheard my mom saying things to Gabe like, I won't be digging around in your nose like your mom. John describes scenes from the future...Gabe as a 35 year old, living in a basement apartment, starring in an episode of something like Obsessed or My Secret Addiction or whatever TLC is pumping out in 2045. Shaking in a corner, scrubbing himself raw, muttering "Can't be a dirty baby, can't be a dirty baby, mommy says no dirty babies". Oh man, can you imagine? My nose-neuroses will drive my child to bad reality TV, airing our dirty laundry all over cable. And all because I saw a really big boogie I needed to get. So now I'm not only feeling guilty for my snot-sucking ways, I'm going to permanently scar the boy. Please tell me I'm not alone in my obsession. Please.

And in other news, this post was brought on by the fact that both Gabe and I are sick again. Wtf? Twice in one week? A noreaster in April? Is the world ending? If so, I gotta go. I'm going down, neti-pot in hand.

Have a fantastic weekend guys!

17 comments:

kp said...

OMG. I am so on board with the dirty baby thing. Except the Hubs is usually the one in charge, so when I come home, I immediately change her out of spitty clothes, and come at her with my own spit-thumb to clear away crusties. She will forever associate me with the spit-thumb cleaning technique. just I like I do with my own mother. Yay, cleanliness.

Marci Asher-Whalen said...

My daughters, teenagers now, still clean their noses with q-tips because of my obsession of a clean nose when they were tots. I agree with you totally, keep your babies clean!

Lisa said...

How come your post about cleanliness actually made me gag?

momma j lee ♥ said...

You're NOT alone mama! Nate has constant stuffy nose and major boogers - I'm always on boogie control and I too cringe when I see dirty babies ... but mainly for hygenic reasons. Dirty babies equals dirt getting in babies!!! My diaper bag is always full of clean clothes, wipes of all kinds and extra towels!

I hope you both feel better soon and btw, I'm totally digging the new look! :) Have a great weekend!

Shannon said...

I'm no mommy (yet!), but I agree 100%. Dirty babies are so icky. It really is the number one reason I dismissed elementary education as a career option.

LizzieBeth said...

hahah, you're creating another Howard Hughes!

"Cleanliness is close to godliness..."

Babies that smell like sour milk gross me out. I don't know what creates that smell, but I prefer my babies to smell like baby powder and happiness-- much like a Cabbage Patch Kid ;)

LB

brooke said...

Boogers freak me out. They have to go. But my 7 year old is now the biggest nose picker in the land. So maybe that is my punishment for being extra booger crazy.

SarahK said...

I'm with you, man. I've been Todd's grooming monkey for years...and now I have two subjects that need grooming.

Talk to me about these mythical nose tweezers?

Jennifurla said...

Dude, when I go get Indy from daycare and I see all the kids playing with 2 inches of snot down their face....blech

Jennifer said...

I'm totally right there with you on the whole dirty kid thing. And having a baby hasn't changed that one bit for me. I also am not a big fan of sharing my food with a kid only to receive back a slobbery, partially coated with other food, piece of food. Nas - to the -ty.

I must admit I keep my pinkie nails just a tad bit longer to reach into his nose for some boogie pickin'. Oh, those nails work great for picking earwax out too.

Ashley Paige said...

1. I love the Nosefrida. Who wouldve thought?

2. I'm so anti-dirty baby. The 2 kids I used to Nanny for in college? We're king and queen of the Dirty Babies. I literally used to bathe them and change their clothes the MINUTE I got there and then proceeded to take them to the park/on errands, etc. I refused to be that girl with the Dirty Baby.

3. I'm a picker. I pick at C's nails. If he has earwax? I'm neurotic. I literally have to step back and sit on my hands. LOL. Yikes.

You are NOT alone, lady. I promise :) Haha! And if G ends up on TV someday? I'll sit back say, "I KNOW THAT BABY!" :) Have a great weekend!

Ana said...

Right there with ya. Totally obsessed with snot/ boogs. I know it's torture for her, but I can't help myself. I must pick/suck/wipe. It's an urge I cannot ignore. Glad I'm not alone. :)

Jenn from Much to My Delight said...

This post had me ROLLING, Shannon. The idea of your 35-year-old son in a basement compulsively cleaning himself is almost too much to stand.

Love the redesign too. Lookin' good, kid!!

Red Fraggle said...

We have a saying around our house now: You can pick your friends, but don't pick your nose. That's mommy's job". I think this is a first time mom thing- the same way I just had to pick at his peeling skin as a newborn, or his cradle crap (yes, i call it crap). but now that colin has discovered teething biscuits, I would rather he stay happy than deal with cleaning it all off his face, which usually leads to a total meltdown. I am learning to choose my battles. But i certainly don't let him out in public like that.

Erin @ Domestic Adventure said...

I've been using the blue bulb of torture daily since week 4, whether or needs it or not. I do it at bathtime (which I also do every night) and get this...he actually likes it! He seems exhilarated when let the suction go and he gives me a big smile afterward. I'm thinking that since he is so used to it, he won't hate me when he has a cold!? So no, you're not alone!

And I am wayyyy behind on blogs lately, but I love, love, love your redesign!

*claire* said...

ha! i have had the very same thoughts in my head!! i get totally grossed out by the ones that have crusty food all over their faces... wipe this shiz. thank you for posting this - hopefully it will be a PSA for all the grimy babes!!

Amanda @ Little House on the Corner said...

I do not have any babies, let alone dirty ones, but I still enjoyed reading this. Too funny!

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