Disclaimer: This is not an April Fool's post in any way. Just me being a judgemental a-hole...you know, the usual. Just thought I'd warn you.
Let it be known that I skeeve at the sight of dirty children. You know the type. Sitting in the grocery cart in front of you in the checkout line, staring at you like you have three heads, with unidentified food dried in their hair. Their red, runny noses looking like they'd never learned to ask for a tissue. Probably missing a shoe. That kind of kid. Before having a kiddo, I almost always judged their parents for letting them out of the house looking so unkempt. Like how hard is it to clean up your kid? Well then I went and had a baby. And I bet you're thinking I'm going to tell you that like so many other things, motherhood has changed my judgemental stance. Nope, it hasn't. I only realize that it's a lot tougher than I thought to keep a child's face spic n' span. Spit up, pureed carrots, poor little stuffed, dry noses...all of them cause a dirty baby. But this mom ain't lettin it slide. Besides the blue bulb of torture, I also keep a supply of wipes and the Nosefrida in my arsenal for snot removal. And I cannot confirm or deny ownership of a Japanese plastic tweezer meant for boog spelunking. I might actually be obsessed with keeping the baby clean and boog free. He looks for his pops anytime he sees me coming with the saline drops and suction tool. No dirty babies!, I say.
So I might have overheard my mom saying things to Gabe like, I won't be digging around in your nose like your mom. John describes scenes from the future...Gabe as a 35 year old, living in a basement apartment, starring in an episode of something like Obsessed or My Secret Addiction or whatever TLC is pumping out in 2045. Shaking in a corner, scrubbing himself raw, muttering "Can't be a dirty baby, can't be a dirty baby, mommy says no dirty babies". Oh man, can you imagine? My nose-neuroses will drive my child to bad reality TV, airing our dirty laundry all over cable. And all because I saw a really big boogie I needed to get. So now I'm not only feeling guilty for my snot-sucking ways, I'm going to permanently scar the boy. Please tell me I'm not alone in my obsession. Please.
And in other news, this post was brought on by the fact that both Gabe and I are sick again. Wtf? Twice in one week? A noreaster in April? Is the world ending? If so, I gotta go. I'm going down, neti-pot in hand.
Have a fantastic weekend guys!