Open Letters

Hey! Pregnancy is almost over! Which means my weekly tirades against all things blood-boiling will soon become a little less socially acceptable. So let's get em in while we can, eh?

 

Dear Urban Decay,

I was so nice to you. I blogged about how awesome your Primer Potion was. It kept my eyeshadow in place all day long. And it still does. However, I, along with the rest of the internet, have a problem with your packaging. Google it, you'll see. Yeah it's cutesy and is all I-Dream-of-Jeannie-like but as far as packaging goes, it sucks. You have to realize how much product is left in the curves of the bottle that the applicator can't reach. There's even freakin you-tube videos on how to remove the leftover potion once the applicator comes up empty. So I cracked open my pretty purple bottle and came up with little container to hold my leftovers. However, after a few weeks in an airtight container, sealed in ziplock bag, the potion has pretty much dried up, rendering it useless. I paid $17 for this bottle of potion and I do believe you owe me at least $8 for the amount that is going to waste. I'll be waiting patiently at my mailbox. Kthxbye.

Dear Moms Who Let Their Kids Put Stickers on Their Car Windows ,

Ok, you forked over approximately 20 to 40 thousand dollars for that vehicle you’re driving. Besides your house, it’s probably the other biggest investment you've made. Why, oh WHY, are you letting your children put stickers on the insides of their car door windows? Don’t you know that 1) they've got to be freaking hard to remove but more importantly 2) they make your car look junky. And I swear, it seems like the cars I see with disney princess stickers all over it are Range Rovers and shit like that...not Hyundais. I just can’t fathom why a parent would allow this. They make books just for kids to put stickers on. They’re called sticker books. Treat yourself.

I realize I'm ranting about two car-sticker related issues here, but keep in mind, they are very different complaints!

Dear Dads Who Drive Mini-Vans with Stick Figure Decals,


Stick Figure Decals – Ohhh where do I start on these? Not only do I not care that your daughter is a ballerina or that you have two dogs, I definitely don’t need to be told in traffic by the stick figures you plastered on your back window. My favorite, and by favorite I mean laughing HARDER at you, are the ones featuring the “mom” figure but in a business suit with a brief case. Yes, let’s all be impressed that not only are you a soccer mom but you also work! Go you! Should I call you Melanie Griffith now? Are you rocking your 80's power suit and pumps? No one’s impressed, hon. People do that shizz all the time without needing to tell the whole world about it via the back window of their Honda Pilot. You’re not getting any pats on the back from me.

Anyway, my other favorite are the ones with the whole fam sporting Disney mouse ears. Uggghh, combine this with a mini van driven by the dad, and I’ve lost all respect for you, man. Ok, I can understand driving the mini van, it’s a practical vehicle I guess. But I would NOT allow my wife to strap mouse ears on my stick figure head. Could she emasculate you anymore? Do you love Disney just as much as she does? If not, get out the ice scraper and get that decal off your car. If you do happen to enjoy Disney as much as her, then look in your rearview mirrow. That’s me. Laughing at you. And calling you a d-bag. Sorry.

As always, thanks for listening.