Monday, August 31, 2009

lessons in humor

How do I go from a weekend with zero plans to filling it with non-stop action? I get an invite to Atlantic City with Kelly, her sister and her mom. Kelly convinced me to join them in AC on Friday night to see a comedy show at the Borgata. Three hours of Dom Irrera and Jeffrey Ross later, our stomachs hurt from laughing so much. We were literally exhausted from cracking up. The show was filled with audience-induced awkward moments. Jeffrey Ross is one of the guys who always shows up at Comedy Central Roasts so he requested volunteers from the audience to get roasted. What kind of person would think that was a good idea? It leads me to think about the type of people who attend comedy shows.


The Thick-Skinned
Man, I consider myself to have an excellent sense of humor and medium to thick skin, but I could never get up in front of the entire crowd only to hear that I look like a tranny or something else even more insulting. Granted, the majority of the volunteers were men. Men who apparently were emotionally ready to hear that they looked like they were recently released from prison or that they had nice “racks”. And these were the tame insults. Most of them were extremely vulgar (read: hilarious) yet the guys just stood up there either laughing at themselves or turning into the next type of comedy show attendee, the…

Clueless
The ones who don’t know how to respond to being made the butt of a joke. They just freeze on stage or say something awkward. Also clueless are the people that come in late to a comedy show. Or get up to leave the room. First of all, if you’re walking in late, you are asking to be pointed out by the comedienne and made fun of. Just laugh, wave and keep quiet. No one really wants to hear why you’re late. And seriously, even if you have to go to the bathroom, don’t get up in the middle of the show. Don’t you know how this is going to end? But even worse than the clueless are the ones who…

Think Their Comediennes
The ones who either heckle the guy on stage or respond to the comedienne with something that they’re sure is hilarious. These people also tend to be the ones who try keep the audience/comedienne interaction going on longer than appropriate. You can usually tell when the bit is over but that audience member is high on their “fame” and wants it to last as long as possible.

I just want people to know how to act in this setting. Its times like this, I cringe and roll my eyes and thank God that my horse is so high. I then pat myself on the back and congratulate myself for being an awesome audience member.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

shot straight from the hip...pow!

• I feel like every other blog I read goes bananas over JCrew. Yeah sure, their stuff is cool, but it’s ridiculously priced and people act like the next JCrew catalog is the second coming. It’s just a cardigan, relax.

• Remember, at Wawa, when you gave your order to the employees standing behind the deli counter and they wrote it down? Since they got those touch-screens, it’s like a giant forcefield has gone up and they are unable to see or hear you. I don't like that.

• I would like to learn how to golf. For the outfits. For the afternoon cocktails. And because I’m pretty good at mini golf.

• I don’t like how leggings look on anyone.

• My friends are available to rent out to make your bachelorette party more fun.

• I would like to get married over and over again just so I can do different themes.

• I like fancy restaurants for their d├ęcor but not their food. I have low-class taste in food. Chicken fingers are always a safe bet.

Monday, August 24, 2009

whatever i wear, the words "juicy" or "pink" will never cross my rear

Lists have been made & the spreadsheet has been started. For what you ask? Packing, I say. Did I mention in just 2 short weeks, I’m going to mother-freakin Hawaii? Well, I love any opportunity to plan outfits and organize my suitcase. And especially now that I have to pay for extra suitcases, this girl needs to learn how to pack lightly and efficiently. I’ve always been a heavy-packer though. I need to have choices when I’m on vacation.

So that’s where my spreadsheet comes in, organized by day & activity. However, the first cell on the sheet has become a roadblock. It’s the Plane Outfit. I do not know what to wear. This is going to be the longest flight I’ve ever taken. In the past, I’ve been both hot and cold and comfy and uncomfy on planes. Do I go the lounge route with yoga pants, t-shirt and flip flops? This choice, although comfy as hell, will no doubt make me feel schleppy and slobby halfway through the first leg of the trip.

Daisy Lockheart on March 14/15

Or should I pretend it’s 1965 and it’s actually a privilege to fly the friendly skies? And show my appreciation by dressing up for the occasion? Not that I own anything remotely like this outfit, but it would be fun to pretend though right? Of course, if I showed up to my flight in this outfit, I may expect them to let me smoke a cigarette onboard after they fed me Chicken Divan on real china! Can you imagine!!?!

Save Tonight
No, my goal is to come up with something in between. Pants that my or may not button. Layers of tanks/tees/sweater. Easily removable shoes. Maybe a little something like this below…Of course, I do have a coupon for free Gap jeans, perhaps I’ll hit there tonight to make an outfit. I’ll report back. I’m itching to fill in that damn cell.

travel

Friday, August 21, 2009

Eight Awesome August Must-Haves

stuff



1. Dexter on DVD: I’ve only got a few weeks left of nothing on TV except for Millionaire Matchmaker so I’m trying to fit as much TV-on-DVD in as possible. Wait, did I just admit I like that show? Crap. Anyway, my boss lent me season one a couple weeks ago and now I’m hooked on Dexter. While his sister on the show drives me up a wall, I find his crazy ass so endearing. Also included in our mad dash to watch everything ever made: Weeds and True Blood.



2. Petal Shirt from Ann Taylor LOFT: Have you seen this thing? So adorable and it comes in like 8 colors. Have 1, need 7 more.



3. Halloween Costumes!: We already have our invite for Katie’s Halloween party so now comes the 2 months of brainstorming and planning that will go into our costumes. Luckily I may have an idea already, however the components may be a bit difficult to find.



4. My Dentist: A few weeks ago I started having a toothache. I hate the dentist so I’m one of those dirtballs who puts off going. But at my brother’s insistence, I went to his dentist. I apparently need a crown. My new hot-in-a-hippie-Jesus-sorta way dentist assures me that this will solve the problem. We’ll see, Dr. Patchouli, we’ll see.



5. New Phone!: Ugggh after a long wo years, I was finally eligible for an upgrade. QWERTY? Nice to meet you. I’ve been eyeing you up for years but would never put out the money for you. But now, you’re mine. I got a cute little Samsung Rant. I chose it mostly because I like to say the word “rant”. It’s a fun word.



6. OPI Shorts Story: I’ve been wearing blood red nail polish on my toes since I switched from Tinkerbell nail polish to grown-up polish. Does anyone remember Tinkerbell kiddie make-up? Loved that shit. Anyway, I switched it up. Bright pink. Granted, it looks a lot better on tan feet than my usual pasty white ones but whatev, I like it, it’s peppy. And sassy.



7. Margaritas: Oh like you couldn’t see that one coming. It really is my beverage of choice these days. Now if only Wawa sold them in to-go cups…



8. Sookie Stackhouse: Ok seriously, I’m reading them and watching the show at the same time and have confused the hell out of myself. But the books are short little pups and are only $7.99 at Borders. Did you know that I prefer to buy all my books? I’m not sure why. Luckily, UNLIKE MY HUSBAND, I re-read the majority of my books over and over again. If I don’t like the book, I’ll paperbackswap.com it.



Oh and speaking of my HUSBAND, I'd like to welcome him to my blog. It's only been 2 years and he's just now decided to start checking it out. He used to say " I don't have to read it, I live it". Then the other day he realized that while I shared something (who knows what) with the blog world, I had neglected to actually tell him. Oh well, if that's what it takes. So welcome, Weenie & the Butt, I'm glad you're here.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i ate my weight in hushpuppies...and other pbbl adventures

Not only did I manage to pull off another PBBL adventure, but I managed to do it with a hell of a lot of fun people. Let me preface this by saying that my friends and I aren't the type who regularly go on trips or vacations together. We talk about. We talk excitedly and make plans. It never happens. So I was friggin thrilled when the majority of our little crew actually booked rooms and we headed down together. The trip necessitated no less than18 different navigational technologies. At one point, I had printed directions, my phone's navigation and Kelly's GPS in my hands. We played "Who's Car is More Fun" via text. We cursed the state of Maryland and it's ro-ads. Oh, we should take 4 East says the directions? That's funny because the only signs we see are for 4 North and 4 South. Love ya Maryland and your crazy exit-ramp/sign/road changing ways. Oh that's right, our destination was Solomons Island, MD. The plan was to have no plans...to check the place out then eat and drink well. Mission accomplished.


After checking into our hotel, we headed down to the Chesapeake. Ok, so their "riverwalk" left a little something to be desired....it was like 20 feet long. And there were maybe 2 little shops but they looked like they were in people's houses so we skipped those. But really, we didn't care. Why?


Because directly in front of us stood this. See it? A deck. On that deck sat a bar. And bars, my friends, are our friends.
So besides our small freakouts when the boats would constantly bump into the deck, the moody waitresses and the crap music that was blaring, we got down to business. Mixed drinks. Margaritas, mai tais, mojitos. Why do all the fun ones start with M?


You'd think these boys had never been to the Jersery Shore before.
Mesmerized by these little a-holes. God I hate seagulls. You know that urban legend that says if you feed them Alka Seltzer then they'll blow up? Let's test that one.


We headed back to the hotel for a quick swim, shower & freshly baked cookies at the front desk then headed out for dinner. During our little expedition on the island, we randomly picked a restaurant to go to so I ran inside and made a reservation for that night for 11 people. Well after talking to some locals and our shuttle driver, we were steered away from Calypso Bay (and not a moment too soon due to what we saw later that night) and steered towards The Dry Dock Inn. Yeah, it was a little fancier (more expensive) than we planned but oops, we were already dropped off in their parking lot.

We made do. And by made do, I mean we stuffed ourselves on various seafood-y schtuffs. And there was a dinghy hanging on the ceiling above our table.


Then came the most interesting part of the night. The part that we had actually planned. While doing my research for this trip, I found the Tiki Bar. Take a moment to check out the website. Go ahead., I'll wait.

Ok, good, thanks for coming back. Now, in looking at that site, that looks like the place to be, right? Well let me tell you that they put more money into their website design that into anything else at this bar. Ok, they did have an exceptional amount of Adirondack chairs that Katie pointed out, ARE NOT cheap. But this bar was kind of a joke. We showed up around 10ish I'm guessing and the place was half full. And it's a pretty big place too, so when half is empty, it looks pretty bad. They had a huge sandlot where the adirondacks were lined up on the sides. So people sat lined up in chairs and stared across the sand at other people. Awkward. Anyway, I'll just get right to the worst part: the ambiance.

Bars/Clubs are supposed to have music. Not necessarily for people to dance, although that's nice sometimes, but for background noise or whatever. How else are drunk girls supposed to throw their hands up in the air when Pour Some Sugar On Me comes on and scream to their friends "This is my song!!" ?? The Tiki Bar spent so much money on their website that not only could they not afford a DJ, they could not even afford a boombox. I think they were playing an alarm clock radio. And they had it set on my grandmom's station. And they had the volume on 1. It was amazing how much difference some good volume-appropriate music can make in your night out. You could hear the crickets at this place. It was just strange.
Anyway, here's us. Making our own fun like we always do. So later, Katie & I decide to ask the door guy why the music sucked. I think he may have been a little offended. he told us that it never changes and the Tiki Bar is somewhere to chill and talk to your friends. Dude, all we wanted was some Marley or something at least a little Tiki-oriented. This bar had no clue. The door guy told us if we wanted something different to go across the street to Calypso Bay. So we did.

This place was gross. They packed us into a room that looked like they had gutted fish there earlier. We were clearly the oldest people there. The music blew. Thank god for the open air taxi on the way home that was meant for 6 people but managed to cart 11 of us home. That ride was amazing. And made up for the nonsensical nightlife that this island offered.



The next day we were on a mission to eat crabs. Sarah typed crabs into her phone and all of a sudden, we were here...at Abner's With crabs and beer. And hushpuppies. Lots of hushpuppies. And more margaritas. And our awesome waitress Roxy the owner's wife.


So thank you friends for getting it together and making it happen.
Oh and Adrienne, I owe you $1.65. I bought a bag of Combos at 3am and charged them to your room. Woops. Love you.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

put your beer goggles on, it's time for the...

See, I knew that if I posted my PBBL on the blog, it would motivate me to actually complete them. Couple weeks ago, John & my brother Josh & I hit the road to Pottsville, PA. When I say that this town better be thankful they have Yuengling, it's not an understatement. It's pretty much out there in the mountains, with nothing else around. But Yuengling was old and charming and dirty and authentic.

My favorite part, besides the free samples were the caves, where they used to make and store the beer. They were dark, cold, wet and creepy. Just how I like em'.

And before you go thinking "Hey, I don't know why this is on the Pre-Baby Bucket List, you could probably bring a kid to this place", look below. The place looked like the set of a Scooby Doo episode. You know, Scooby Doo and the Case of the Hops Monsters or something...

No but really, kids were not really welcome here. Case in point, on our tour, the group walked up a set of stairs to gather around our guide to hear her talk about the Mashtun or Cereal Cooker. At the top of the stairs was a couple with a 2 year old, waiting to get back down the stairs. Well, our group was big, so they were standing there awhile. The tour guide asked them why they were up in this room by themselves and they said the tour was too much for the kid (really?!?!) and that they wanted to leave but they couldn't find their way out. So while they stood there waiting, they were letting the kid touch the controls on the machines and run amok. Our lovely young tour guide rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, and told them not to let the kid touch anything.

Yeah, they pretty much ignored her. So our tour guide stood there, giving them the cockiest look I'd seen in awhile and let them know that they were disrupting our tour. They couldn't get out of that room fast enough. As soon as they were down the stairs, our guide, who had been eyeing them the whole time, turns back to our group, plasters a smile on her face and continues the tour. As if she hadn't just turned into a complete bitch. It was awesome. And honestly, if I were that tour guide, I would have done the same thing. Passive aggression, it works wonders.




Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!
(yeah, i googled it)

Looks delicious no? It was. It was the best Yuengling I'd tasted in my life. And I've sampled a lot.

Other trip highlights that weren't documented include:
The Penn State Schuylkill Campus Drum Corp practice that could be seen from the road. About 150 shirtless college boys. John wouldn’t let me take pictures.

The lineup of motorcycles outside the brewery that Josh wanted to push over, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure-style. First we tattoo him, then we kill him!

The realization that drivers of particular vehicles give each other a hand gesture of recognition/solidarity/whatever. Harley’s are obvious but did you know that Mazda Miata drivers have one too? I think they think they’re being cool, but in my opinion, they’re signaling to someone that they’ve grown too big for the toy car their driving and they need help getting out. Oh and I came up with one for Nissan Altima drivers. Look for me on the road to check it out.
I'll see you here next week for another installment of PBBL 2009. Thanks for visting.




Wednesday, August 12, 2009

House Party: Kid n' play never showed

I present to you the lamest documentation of an event I’ve ever seen. I had the best of intentions of taking pictures during my housewarming party. I even grabbed my camera a few times and said to whoever was standing next to me, “I’m gonna go take some pics”. Then the hot dog count would run low, or my grandmom would send me on a search for salt and pepper or my beer would disappear and the camera would be abandoned. But the party was great, the weather held out and stayed sunny and the house was packed. We gave tours of our new place, got to sit down and hang with our new neighbors and stuff ourselves with the ridiculous amounts of food that people brought.

Of course, my favorite part was the decorations. I fully admit to stealing all ideas from Bethany. Pom-poms, flowers in jars, everything. I found a tissue paper pom-pom tutorial online and cranked out about 15 of em, they turned out so pretty. They’re now my go-to party decoration.

someone else's kids

yay, having the best time ever!

Um, my friend Sarah has this thing where she takes pictures of her feet when she's got fun shoes on. And I liked my shoes, so I'm gonna show em to ya. While Sarah's rocking the 4 inch silver platforms, I went with my gold gladiators. Kelly's husband Jeff even complimented them. But I think it's because he was a gladiator for Halloween last year and he wished he had them.

I just noticed my toes. Why do they look like they’re giving the Trekkie/Spock/Nerd hand sign? Oh well, live long and prosper.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

recovery, bats & free jeans

Ho-lee crap. What a weekend. It’s Tuesday morning and I’m still trying to get back in the swing of things. I know I promised housewarming party pictures and they’re coming, I swear, just not until later today, when I actually upload them. If my husband didn’t make me work for a living, then we wouldn’t be having this problem, would we?
Anyway, quick recap: Friday night was spent cleaning, prepping & making food. Same thing Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon was spent entertaining, giving tours, etc. Saturday night (late night) was spent chasing a bat around my living room with a Swiffer. Let me preface by saying that I have nothing against bats. They eat the mosquitoes that feed on my ankles every time I step outside. But I do not like them flying in my house. Around 2am, I discover one of the little blood-suckers (unfortunately it was not either of my vampire boyfriends Edward Cullen or Bill Compton) so I chase the thing around with the broom while John stands there with a trashcan and a piece of cardboard. Word to the wise, if you have a bat in your living room, turn off your ceiling fan. There’s nothing quite like the thought of splattered bat guts everywhere to make you remember that tidbit. Don’t worry though, no bat guts here, we caught him and set him free. End of story.

Then comes Sunday. I spent the morning washing 8 million serving dishes, scraping taco dip from casserole dishes and then being generally lazy. Because, hey, I earned it. Enter freak rain storm, stage right. Oh hi rain, you didn’t tell me you were coming. If we knew, we might have disassembled our huge tent out in the driveway. If we knew that the hurricane winds you brought with you were going to pick our huge tent up and sail it across the driveway and the lawn towards the street, we might have planned accordingly. If we knew you invited the lightening bolts, we definitely would not have run out in the rain to wrangle the tent back in by grabbing onto the 12 foot metal poles. But hey, thumbs up for not electrocuting us, we really appreciate it. We could have gone without you breaking one of the poles on our brand new tent though. You kinda suck for doing that. Yeah, you definitely suck for doing that.

Anyway, I’m still exhausted. But guess what? I should probably play the ol lottery because I won 2 giveaways this week! The first one over here. I won a free pair of jeans, how awesome is that? That’s like a really good giveaway, doncha think? I also won a candle over here. It’s not a pair of jeans
, but I’m still pretty pumped. Ohhhh and speaking of giveaways, um, did you guys notice I was having one? No? Or are you just not interested in awesome magnets? Hmmmm...Anyway, I'm really glad that the winner is LB! She was away all week on vacation and missed the other ones so she totally deserves to win these. She can now hang her boyf's artwork on the fridge and be funny at the same time. Hey LB, email me at oh.thats.swell at gmail dot com and I'll get ya hooked up!

Friday, August 7, 2009

House Tour - the Guest, the Office & a Giveaway!

As we come to a close of my virtual Housewarming, I just wanna thank you guys for stopping by and saying such nice things about my little abode. Everything you've seen has been our first draft. I'm not one of those people who can sit around and let something look crappy until we have the time or money to do what we really want. I'd rather spend a couple bucks and do a temporary fix to get me by. I mean, c'mon, I give my throw pillows dirty looks, can you imagine what I'd do to a undecorated room? So obviously this little house of ours can expect a lot more in terms of makeovers and decorating and of course, I'll share it all here. But you're not here to listen to me yap, you're here to win a freakin prize. Let's do it.





The winner is...# 8! Again! Congrats Bethany! Email me at oh.thats.swell at gmail dot com to claim those purty towels.

And while we're at it, let's do another! We're going to visit my office today so I thought these would look cute on your file cabinet or other assorted metal surfaces. Another awesome etsy find...from Freestyle Gifts.
Check these out.


The winner has his or her choice of these Mid Century Embossed Wooden Letter Magnets spelling "Awesome", "Nutty" or "Hilarious". These letters are from a 1950s game of Anagrams. They are black with white letters are made of shaped wood measuring about an inch square. If only she had the words "Dude" and "Freakin", she'd have my complete daily vocabulary.
So leave a comment anytime before Monday night at 9 pm EST and let me know which word you like best and what word you wished she was able to make. Keep it clean folks, my mom reads this here blog.
Ahhh the office. What we do here: Paying bills, Petting the desktop when it feels neglected, Shred the ungodly amount of paperwork we accumulate et cetera et cetera. This room was clearly the little boy's room. And yup, you guessed it, I kinda liked the wall color. It will eventually change when future hellion #2 comes along but for now, it's fun!

The desk and fun orange boxes are from Ikea and the pics are old school carnival shots...skeeball, carousel, ferris wheel, bumper cars...LOVE them. They also make me happy.

Did I neglect to mention that apparently we live in a cave? That's why all my rooms are so dark. Anyway, here is our guest room/future nursery...in all of it's pink glory. We actually had nothing sitting in this room 2 weeks ago besides my vanity, an armoire and the two ottoman/storage boxes that are now being used as bedside tables. Then I got a call from my Dad telling me he's coming into town this week and all of a sudden, I needed a guest room. Off to Target I went where I picked up an air mattress and the two little lamps. I grabbed the duvet cover & pillows from the clearance aisle at HomeGoods and all of a sudden I had a guest room. Not too shabby for one night's work.


I'm such a nerd. I'm really excited about these pillows. Ok, I know that HomeGoods is cheap. But these two actually had Bed Bath and Beyond tags on them still. Yeah, $39.99 each. Ok, so even with a 20% off coupon, someone (not me) would have paid $32 each for these.
$7.99!

Well that about wraps it up for now. I'll be back on Monday with actual Housewarming party pics and another winner!

Happy weekend!

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